Don’t Make Your Bed (plus 9 other energy-saving tips)

A couple of weeks ago Facebook was all a twitter (to mix metaphors) with women “liking” and “sharing” an article by Ruth Soukup titled “Why I Make My Bed {10 reasons I keep my house clean}.”  Women were falling all over themselves with comments about how much they agreed with Ms. Soukup, while at the same time they admitted they fell short in achieving the standards that were suggested.

This is just the kind of propaganda that men fight against on a daily basis.  For the sake of my gender, I thought I would send out a clarion call from “the other side” of the fence, so to speak.  I’m counting on men everywhere to “like” and “share” this article.  Help me push back against the tidal wave that has threatened to drown men for decades.

1. Don’t make your bed.  Everyone knows that what wears sheets out is friction.  The less they are moved or moved against, the longer they will last.  (Ladies, this cannot be used as your excuse not to engage in extracurricular activity with your husband.)  Leaving the sheets exactly as they are when you get out of bed in the morning will make it much easier to get in bed in the evening, since they will be in the exact shape of your body.
2. Don’t wash shirts (unless there is a stain on them).  Washing clothes should be reserved for hygiene purposes only, therefore limited to underwear.  I had a bachelor friend who always hung his shirts up in the closet after wearing them.  Before he put them on to wear again, he gave them a shot of Fabreze.  Result?  Fresh smelling shirts, which is why you wash them anyway.
3. Leave that sink full of dirty dishes until morning.  This is the only ecologically responsible thing to do.  All of nature has a balance in it and we must contribute to the balance.  Leaving dirty dishes in the sink affords our “friends” the insects, plus those cute, tiny rodents with big ears and long tails the sustenance they need to sustain life.  It’s part of the Circle of Life.
4. Forget about vacuuming between the cushions of your furniture.  It’s so convenient to be watching t.v. and to reach down between the cushions and find that half-eaten pop tart that you “hid” there last week.  No more wasted treks to the kitchen to wonder what you want to eat for a snack.  Just eat what you find in the furniture!
5. Let those sleeping dust bunnies lie!  It wasn’t until I was recently watching “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” starring Danny Kaye, that I realized how foolish it is to keep the underneath of a bed clean.  Danny Kaye went sliding underneath a bed and came out the other side looking as clean and dust free as he had when he dove under there.  Now how many times is someone going to dive underneath your bed, really?  Perhaps a kidnapper might, but if you have left all that dust under there, then he’s certainly going to have a sneezing fit and give you a chance to get away before he grabs you.  See how it all makes sense?
6. Don’t wash your coffee cup.  Nobody worries about them washing out those wooden barrels that whiskey is aged in, do they?  Besides, when you pour scalding hot coffee into your cup, whatever germs were lurking there are certain to be destroyed.
7. Never purchase potpourri!  It’s dangerous!  A friend of mine almost had to go to the hospital when he was at someone’s house during Christmas and helped himself to what he thought was some Chex Mix.  Yes, it was the potpourri.  Thankfully my friend survived, but he said that for a month afterward every time he burped it smelled like lavender.  Please, ditch the potpourri.
8. This brings me to the topic of “knicknacks.”  You know, those tiny, fragile, glass things that women buy to set on tables and shelves.  Ladies, both you and I know what is going to happen to those things.  If your kids or grandkids don’t break them, most assuredly your husband will.  Save yourself the financial expense and the emotional heartache.
9. Throw away all your rugs, ladies.  How many times have you gotten upset because “someone got the rug dirty”?  You put rugs on the floor to keep the floor from getting dirty and then you get upset because the rug gets dirty.  This logic escapes the male mind and causes excessive sighing and eye rolling.  Using your logic, it would seem appropriate to put a rug on top of the rug that is on top of the floor to keep the rug from getting dirty.  (cue the song, “there’s a wart on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.”)
10. Towels are towels are towels.  Let’s dispense with the added expense of having “company” towels.  Men cannot distinguish between the two.  For us a towel is a piece of fabric that is designed for drying ourselves off with or for cleaning our tools on – those are the only two uses.

Women, join us on the more reasoned and simple side of life.  Relax.  Enjoy life.  And please pass me the Chex Mix.  It’ll taste good with this pop tart.